Saturday, May 21

why I write my blog the way I do


My life isn't perfect. It isn't a happy thing to be me every day, though it may look like it here, in this small controllable digital sliver of my life.

I could write about how I don't do all the things I think I should, like meditation or yoga or climbing or eating more organic food, or how my cellulite depresses me.

How I can lose my temper with my dog because she stares at me so much, or how I don't like giving hugs at family get-togethers and that this makes me feel like a selfish person. How sometimes when I run errands I can't stand talking to anybody even though I'm being unfriendly, and I don't even care. How I get angry about a lot of stuff because it isn't done my way. How my house is often a complete mess, and that I'm a complainer.

How I get exhausted by all there is to do, every single day.

If I have a horrible day because I have so much to do I feel trapped, I'm constipated, the bathroom sink is covered in beard-trimming hairs and that black mold is really gaining a foothold on the tub ~ and I had to make an epic journey to the co-op because the fridge is empty and tim's at work, and I just barely made it home on the gas fumes in my tank, burned out and starving, to find one dog has eaten the cat food and the last half of my chocolate bar, again, the other has pooped in front of the back door, and I forgot to get peanut butter, I am probably not going to write about these things.

(have I ever even had the word poop on my blog before?)

Life is short, you have your own issues, and it doesn't make me feel any better to gripe. I'd rather focus on the positive and the good, because this world is full of dingy stuff, full of hardship and worry and pain and poison and stings. That is the life experience.

I am probably going to write about how after I finally went to the bathroom, drank a glass of water, cleaned up the cat food and the poop, put the groceries away and let the dogs out, I went into the backyard and walked barefoot on the velvety grass. How I sat and listened to the house finch singing to his wife, and noticed the cat luxuriating in her nap while the bees kissed the sage and tiny airplanes stitched through the clouds and I felt my troubles begin to melt away.

That is where I want to be ~ that is the part of my life that I want to build endurance in. The positive muscle. Even though I find it so much easier to point out flaws, cracks and everything that's wrong.

I want to collect my experiences here, those that I might not stop to absorb during all my rushing in my harried and lost-temper mornings. I want to slow down ~ see afresh ~ appreciate.

When I come here I want to be uplifted, encouraged ~ I want to know that events have perspective, that they fit into a bigger picture. We are all here on this crazy big earth and no one knows for sure what happens when we die but... it'll be okay.

Each of us have beautiful moments even in our hardest days. In this small pure space, that is what I choose to focus on ~ the diamonds in the rough.

xo brooke

* photo by tim