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visiting capri, living in rome, 2001
You are all awesome. Thank you so much for your golden insights. I treasure each of your comments. It is amazing, humbling and also powerful to experience the energy that can literally be felt and known when we share.
My friend elizabeth wrote something in the comments that caught at me: 'Once I learn something about me or my truth, really learn it, I know it in my body. Slowly, from that point on, it becomes a part of me and my choices.'
I went through my box of photos last night just revisiting myself back in the past ~
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All my self-portraits at that time were very warrior-woman. Very strong and solitary figures. I realize now that most of them are near water or woods, and there is a lot of jumping. I wanted to hover or float in the in-between places.
I had a little point-and-shoot camera, and I swam with it and propped it on rocks and car hoods, or I handed it to a friend and told them how I wanted the picture to be. I had it all figured out how I wanted to look. Who I wanted to be, what I wanted to feel ~ an iconic figure which wasn't me, but whom I felt drawn towards.
ontario, canada // ostia, near rome
If I could look like someone who was strong, maybe I would turn into her. Even though I felt unsure, I was filling up with possibility. Self-knowledge was filling up and leaking out. Looking back now, I think I must have been that woman, strong and flexible, even though I didn't feel it at the time.
I think that we are always more than we believe.
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ontario, canada
Things I was learning back then:
- pain can drive you and be a catalyst
- nature heals
- travel will explain more than any person ever could
- find out what makes you happy
- trust your intuition
I had a few like-minded friends and when I took photos of them, I saw their strength ~
Over a decade later, I feel strong and flexible and decisive. I feel open. I want to pull out my film cameras again and take self-portraits, and see myself through the lens. I want to be near water and woods. I have grown up. My hair is growing longer again and my pants are linen and the road beckons. I have choices now. I can call my soul my own. And if I'm not feeling it some days, I know how to cope. I know what the flip side of suffering looks like, and it is compassion. I notice when I stop breathing and I can start again. I have let many things go, and life feels no longer like too much, or too little.
I am so glad to have met so many of you, and to hear your stories as well. What have you found to have brought with you from your younger years?
x brooke
*photo by kat
**photo by jenna
**photo by jenna
11 comments:
I'm gonna fold this post up old letter style and save it to read again later. thank you for articulating so well. really, really beautiful brooke...i'm so happy you're in my orbit.
What an amazing post! Thank you!
GEEZ! another stunning post. Your writing is always so insightful-I love it. I am excited for your new quest and photographs. I feel like I can really relate to this post because I spend a large chunk of my time thinking about my past as well (sometimes I wonder if I would be better off not). I think that the thing that I continue to bring with me over time is the fight against regret. I find myself delving into regret a lot and thinking the "what if" of the past, but I constantly have to remind myself that if I had changed anything, no matter how little, my whole present would be different; and I am quite happy here at the moment. Again, thank you for sharing :)
you're a babe. if you don't believe me, go ask your husband. =D
my younger years...hmmmm. i don't know if i have a definite answear to that question. i was extremely ill from 14-18 years of age, so i often walk around now feeling like i missed something, like i have to grow up later than everyone else.
but then again, i suppose i carry with me now a real value for life. i treasure it. i appreciate it. i will not go out and do stupid things because i WANT this life.
Beautiful writing.
I have carried the memories of a happy childhood more than anything. The celebrations, the excitements, the daily routine that I loved. Doing my sums in the sunny corner of the classroom. You have made me truly grateful for that privilege and deeply sorry for anyone who did not have that experience. Thank you for reminding me how valuable that is.
Otherwise, I have brought a need to do everything right first time,the valuing of an education and academics above everything else, so many memories of being scared or nervous or anxious, the unpleasant habit of replaying bad moments in my head, and a contortion of the real me moulded to fit the shapes other people set out for me. I am gently teasing myself out into my original shape.
Thank you for you. And your art and writing and photographs and all you choose to share x.
"Looking back now, I think I must have been that woman, strong and flexible, even though I didn't feel it at the time."
oh how this single line spoke to me.
so brilliant and beautiful.
in my life-- i have often realized that the very things i craved-- were nestled inside of me all along.
from my childhood-- i have taken with me the innate ability to not to worry about my future. i never thought about where i'd be in 5 years. 10 years. 15 years. or how i'd get there. i was ambitious. i had dreams. i chased them. but i never worried about the details. i always trusted that the way would be made clear when i needed it to be. and indeed it has.
i send this same knowing to you. trusting full well-- that when the time is right-- the strong, powerful woman you are-- will see the clear path, and race down it.
i love this reflection and have come back more than once to read. and the photos brooke...i love them so much.
my 20 year old self was scared and confused and liberated. finally, FINALLY, i was on my own and i relished in that. those years were years when i marched to my own drummer, when i decided what i wanted and who i wanted to be, despite being told i should be something else.
too bad i gave in eventually, (to conformity), and while the person i'd become was still there, it took another 20 years for me to really embrace it and come back to who i want to be.
I am so pleased to have found this blog! i read about you over at Susannah Conway. Your photos are spectacular. Can't wait to read more!
N.
your self portraits are amazing. i would say that i have brought resilience, and a knowing that only through transformation will life happen. sometimes it does not feel close enough to truly be there. close enough to actually grab a hold of. but i know it is there.
I am back for the third time, trying to find the words for a meaningful comment. But as I cannot seem to find them, I just wanted to let you know that both this post and the one before deeply moved me. Being highly sensitive myself I am very happy to have found your blog.
your writing is incredible. have you read much by annie dillard? your thoughts remind me of her. your posts mean a lot to me- they're delicate and encouraging. thank you for keeping such an inspiring blog!
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