So yup, I'm pregnant! And glad of it. Thank you all for your well wishes! They mean a lot to me.
This pregnancy has not been very joyful. I hate writing that, but it's the truth. It's where I am. Well, I supppose where I was, since things are shifting. Thank fortune.
After my unexpected (aren't they always?) miscarriage in july, I hoped I would get pregnant again. I didn't really fear for a struggle with infertility (but isn't that usually unexpected, as well?) and was happy to soon be expecting again. There seemed a good rhythm to it, a fullness of time, a readiness. I started going to accupuncture and I was all set to rock things.
But as time passed, I realized something of the innocence, the joy, the happiness, the thrill, was gone. And I couldn't access it. I imagined it would be like the first time, where I had dreams, hopes, plans, and focus. But I just didn't have that spark this time. It was like a part of me outside of my conscious control decided to shut down a little bit, in case that bolt-out-of-the-blue happened again this time. As if it probably would. So I shouldn't be too attached. And I couldn't shake this mindset. My pregnancy lacked color. The bloom was off.
Perhaps it was the nausea. (Imagine feeling like you're just about to come down with the flu, and add a generous pinch of carsickness. Now go out and do some food shopping, put a few hours in doing something creative, and vacuum all that dog hair up. Don't forget your daily walk. And do this for 6 or 8 weeks.) I couldn't take photographs either, just wasn't interested. Wasn't interested in much, and that is not like me! Then suddenly came a time a few weeks ago when I recognized myself again. I felt peppy. I didn't have to wake up at 2am every night and eat a hard-boiled egg. I could stand the sight of a green vegetable. I started coming back, but I didn't feel prepared.
I want to be here for this. Fully here.
How can I trust and be present? Those words that I think about so often and can't seem to unpeel. Am I missing something obvious and major? 'There is as much darkness in growing life as there is light,' someone wise wrote to me recently. It certainly brings a lot of things up. Like fear, uncertainty and vulnerability. The thought, can I do this? the right way? what is the right way? what if I can't do that?
I want the meaningfulness, the comprehension, the being inspired, the joyful knowing. It's what I wanted in my daily unpregnant life and it's what I want even more now. I'm not sure how to tap it, but now that I'm feeling myself again, I'm going to try. I want to live each day with intention.
I want the magic.
A few flowers in every room and large doses of morning sunshine are crucial. I'm currently working on finding a doula and prenatal yoga and keeping the fridge stocked with organic vegetables. Writing and thinking and reading and envisioning. I'm glad the clarity has been coming back to me so I can start to see it. See what can be.
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14 comments:
Oh Brooke. I think it's decided. I'm making something. because you feel so much closer than any relation with a newborn I've made for, and it's the best way I know to support. how do you feel about handwash baby clothes?
xo Fiona.
fiona, email me! I can't find your email and have wanted to email before ~ I would love handwash. aw. you made my day. xo
I'm at flypeterfly AT hotmail DOT com
as a labor and delivery nurse and spare-time-doula--- i can attest with confidence that you will connect. you will thrill. you will not only SEE color-- you will FEEL it! even if it takes the whole nine months to get there--- you will eventually arrive at this miraculous place of the most pure meaningfulness ever. this pregnancy may not have the innocence of the first time. but this period of growth inside you will carry the fruition of a promise. the warm glow of a new dawn. something totally different--but altogether just as fabulous-- as the first time!
inspiration may also arrive in fresh ways--- so look for it in new places.
and while i don't have my own children-- pregnancy and birth are kind of my forte-- so i'm here if you have any questions :)
lots of love and light to all three of you :)
I like the way you put it, colorless. It evokes the sadness of an unreliable pregnancy. One hour passing, one day passing, all that silent waiting when faith is inappropriate. It's hard to come off a long season of loss into total happiness; the bad things still happened, still had to be faced, still must be finished being faced.
Bravo for your valiant efforts at cheer, I think they are worthwhile. Uplifting music, flowers, colors you like! In the end, for me, it was time that eventually lightened the dogged plodding atmosphere. At some point, the energy shifts toward an actual baby. Maybe around 15 weeks? Or around 5 months? Somewhere along the way, things move along.
Hope this baby is with you a very long time, indeed. Best wishes of health and happiness, however they must come, for you both.
I could feel my emotions bubbling up, remembering how I felt with both of my pregnancies after I miscarried. I never enjoyed them. Either of them. The entire way through.
The joy, though, is that the colour blossoms so fully the moment that wee babe is in your arms again.
Brooke, I know you feel warmth again. I haven't been through your situation but I have dealt a lot with depression. Little things like sun and flowers make all the difference.
Still so happy for you. You will make one amazing mother.
xo
cortnie
i just wanted to chime in here, and let you know that pregnancy isn't enjoyable for EVeryone... myself included. then there are friends of mine who loved every minute. i honestly would rather give natural birth than to be pregnant for 9 months... i find it more enjoyable (yes, enjoyable!) and there is such a sense of accomplishment, pride, and power. so don't feel discouraged if you don't get there with your pregnancy. the next three months will give you joy, energy, and appetite, and pretty soon you'll begin to see that little baby bump and you'll feel like all that sickness in the beginning is starting to pay off. congrats again... i couldn't be more happy for you and tim. i'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers for a happy and healthy pregnancy. :) take care of you!
you write about pregnancy so beautifully. even the sick part seems to fit in where it needs to. I hope it continues to be a great experience for you.
You are a beautifull feminine soul...your body is being used as a cocoon for another's growth it will at times draw on your vitality & passion this is the creativity & fullness you are journeying your truth of the matter is radiant and is what it is.
Trust your ancestors to guide nurture & likewise carry the weight (physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually)with you.
Envision the countless Queens before you in your bloodline & that of your king's and know that your body is so present & essential in your meaningfulness.
XOXOXOXOX
oh brooke--congratulations!!!! i am SO excited for you! =D yayyyy! oooo now i feel like i need to brainstorm a little baby outfit or something. are you going to find out the sex or no?
you will be a wonderful mother, of that much i am sure. and there is no right way, i promise you. <3
Brooke - you have already entered motherhood! And this is how I find motherhood to be. There are ebbs and flows - it is not always magic or joyful. Sometimes it is routine, mundane. But often, (oh so often) it IS thrilling! I will tell you I am one of those people who does not really enjoy pregnancy. I guess it's because I am impatient. My friends would say, "Oh you'll miss the feeling of the kicks, of life growing inside." Nope, I do not miss it at all. But pregnancy is temporary (as are most things), so I've learned to cherish it, and appreciate it. And when it's over, you'll remember each detail fondly - the eating, rolling over in bed (or trying to), the kicks, the beautiful changes in your body.
I'm so happy for you Brooke, and I cannot wait to see what creativity stems from your new found motherhood.
-Jules
I am happy to hear you are feeling better :). The first trimester is very hard, but the first trimester after a miscarriage, well, that would certainly be harder. I can see how that would pull a shade down over the excitement of things. I had a miscarriage in between my two, but having had the one already, I don't think I had as much fear. But then again, when it comes to being a parent, there is always going to be fear, it's just part of the package when you love something that much.
I wish you more brightness and magic Brooke as you and your baby grow together :).
xo
Oh, didn't see this until now and am so, so happy for you!
I think I've told you I miscarried before both pregnancies that "took" and it definitely made those pregnancies less rosy, especially in the beginning. Acknowledging that openly is super freeing, I think.
I'll be thinking of you and looking forward to seeing what happens!
brooke,
i hate to say this but i know so much how you feel. it took me 2.5 years to get pregnant. and the month that i did my partner of 6 years and i broke up. i was so apprehensive during the first 20 weeks. tired. i had no desire to take pictures or do anything but crawl into bed and sleep. and the nausea. ugh. its a good thing though and it took me months to even eat a vegetable (thank god for fruit and prenatals). i still cant even stand the sight of spinach and im 28 weeks along.
a part of me worries i would loose my identity. but i have slowly regained small moments with myself. i have done 2 photo shows which is alot for me.
im so glad you are expecting, and now we can watch our babies grow together, from a few states away.
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