Tuesday, December 13

starting to feel like color again

the little one


So yup, I'm pregnant! And glad of it. Thank you all for your well wishes! They mean a lot to me.


This pregnancy has not been very joyful. I hate writing that, but it's the truth. It's where I am. Well, I supppose where I was, since things are shifting. Thank fortune.


After my unexpected (aren't they always?) miscarriage in july, I hoped I would get pregnant again. I didn't really fear for a struggle with infertility (but isn't that usually unexpected, as well?) and was happy to soon be expecting again. There seemed a good rhythm to it, a fullness of time, a readiness. I started going to accupuncture and I was all set to rock things.


But as time passed, I realized something of the innocence, the joy, the happiness, the thrill, was gone. And I couldn't access it. I imagined it would be like the first time, where I had dreams, hopes, plans, and focus. But I just didn't have that spark this time. It was like a part of me outside of my conscious control decided to shut down a little bit, in case that bolt-out-of-the-blue happened again this time. As if it probably would. So I shouldn't be too attached. And I couldn't shake this mindset. My pregnancy lacked color. The bloom was off.



home



Perhaps it was the nausea. (Imagine feeling like you're just about to come down with the flu, and add a generous pinch of carsickness. Now go out and do some food shopping, put a few hours in doing something creative, and vacuum all that dog hair up. Don't forget your daily walk. And do this for 6 or 8 weeks.) I couldn't take photographs either, just wasn't interested. Wasn't interested in much, and that is not like me! Then suddenly came a time a few weeks ago when I recognized myself again. I felt peppy. I didn't have to wake up at 2am every night and eat a hard-boiled egg. I could stand the sight of a green vegetable. I started coming back, but I didn't feel prepared.


I want to be here for this. Fully here.


How can I trust and be present? Those words that I think about so often and can't seem to unpeel. Am I missing something obvious and major? 'There is as much darkness in growing life as there is light,' someone wise wrote to me recently. It certainly brings a lot of things up. Like fear, uncertainty and vulnerability. The thought, can I do this? the right way? what is the right way? what if I can't do that?



home



I want the meaningfulness, the comprehension, the being inspired, the joyful knowing. It's what I wanted in my daily unpregnant life and it's what I want even more now. I'm not sure how to tap it, but now that I'm feeling myself again, I'm going to try. I want to live each day with intention.



I want the magic.



A few flowers in every room and large doses of morning sunshine are crucial. I'm currently working on finding a doula and prenatal yoga and keeping the fridge stocked with organic vegetables. Writing and thinking and reading and envisioning. I'm glad the clarity has been coming back to me so I can start to see it. See what can be.








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