28 weeks
I keep struggling with this post since, now I've written it, it doesn't seem to be bugging me so much anymore. I think out loud/in words, so to write it out is to say things I didn't even know I was thinking sometimes. But I still want to share it, because it seems to be a common thread for most pregnant women I've talked to.
Pregnant = advice.
I'm all for great advice. Problem is, I'm not sure if it's going to be great advice until it's already said. Obviously we all need to hear different things. Some people tell me stories and discoveries and it unlocks something inside of me, bolsters me up, clarifies my uncertainty. And others, well...it's hard to stop them sometimes. Those resolute convictions given with an earnest lock of the eyes ~ the sense that they think I'm about to make some terrible mistakes, and I must be saved from my ignorance. The disturbing or scary stories shared with such macabre relish. The drama gotten off of heaving chests about potential hazards. The dangers the baby will be in which I must not have realized. Plain as day, the fear is palpable and the thought tendril reaches out to me from them ~ You don't know what you're doing and you are not to be trusted.
It's hard not to internalize those mantras. To be needled by them. I feel like a snail wanting to tuck back into its shell. I am not blindly confident and I have a healthy knowledge that the future is not yet written. It makes me want to lash out and defend myself ~ to come up with brilliant repartee so they fully comprehend the amount of work, research and effort I've put into every aspect of this pregnancy. That I've read the reports, studies and statistics: have they? That the bottom line is, this is what I'm doing ~ like it or lump it. Back off. Hold your tongue. It's not up for discussion. I am not on trial.
I'd love to feel the space generously held for me and not filled. Just held with lots of room for me to be me, for the baby to be himself, for events to happen in the way they will for me. Without those fear-based assumptions and projections which are so hard to let go of. I'm not a great letter-goer. My mind soaks up details like fresh clay, the imprints of words left long after their sting is gone. One of the things I've kind of enjoyed about this big shift in my life is needing to reinforce my boundaries. What I'm comfortable and uncomfortable with. Speaking up firmly on the spur of the moment. Choosing to steer clear of the small clouded fraction and gravitate to the overwhelming wonderfulness that is to be found in the circle of humanity surrounding me. Letting go of my tendency to stop and stare when I sense something disturbing coming my way, and giving it less attention if it makes an unexpected arrival.
How do you deal with the naysayers?
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11 comments:
Oh yes, some advice is so welcome and helpful and some comes from such a heart of judgement. I get it the worst with home-birthing and homeschooling. I'm embarrassed to say that I've, at times, attacked with statistics and research in an attempt to prove my point. It does very little good though. Most times I just smile and say thanks for your concern or input and give the look that says, "end of conversation". :) I love the sharing of knowledge and information and... I do a lot of sharing too. But it can be hard to stomach the obvious rejections of your parenting choices by others. The more confidence you have on your face, the less people will harass you.
wow, brooke this is so insightful. I know you're feeling nervous and insecure, but if you can write with such conviction about the ways to cope with it, you're already there, in my humble opinion. Let yourself see how strong you are and all that you're doing right.
thank you for thoughtful email, it's percolating and sustaining me.
Yes, I was just talking to my cousin who is 36 weeks and she was complaining about the same thing. Sadly it does not get better once the child is born... Everyone has an opinion and is an expert. I actually find even the constant questioning irritating- people want far more information than they need... and why? Dont worry about what I feed my child or whether he's still nursing or how he sleeps- we are doing just fine without your concern thank you!
the delete button and unsubscribe option to the naysayers. the only thing that matters is what you feel inside, Brooke. choose what feels good to you ... feel with your heart and all will be well ...
Sorry to hear about this :( It is never fun when people try to push their beliefs onto you like they are written law. You come across as a very capable and loving human being and anyone that possesses these qualities knows what is right for their child. I agree with anonymous, delete button for the naysayers!
Tragically, this seems to be a common theme among my bestie girls who are pregnant / new mammas right now.
And the only advice you need? TRUST that you are, and always will, make the very best decisions you can for you baby, your family and yourself.
You have my vote of confidence.
Oh, man. That was not my favorite part of pregnancy. That and complete strangers commenting on how HUGE I was for not being so far along. Then I felt the need to explain I was having twins, yes these were my first, etc, etc. I think if I ever have a second pregnancy I won't have the need to explain so much.
But I have noticed that all that unwanted advice does taper off - don't worry! ;)
You're doing an awesome job!
xo
cortnie
I try to keep in mind that the advice is probably given with the best intention. At the same time I try to see it as a learning oportunity to stay with myself and my own beliefs. I think this will come in handy later, because as Mama Smith says the advices probably will not stop again.
Oh yes, I remember those times so well. At one point did ask someone to just "Sh..u.." because she kept telling me of all the bad things that have happend during birth to people she knew or those peope knew... I thought that was a really cruel thing to do to a pregnant woman and although she just wanted me to be careful, choose the right hospital etc.
Elsewise I think, it really is trust that lets us cope with this stuff.
Brooke, I can truly relate. I just had my first baby last month. I was likewise given all sorts of unsolicited advice and my fair share of horror stories. For me, I found that it helped to remember that these people mean well, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to everything. When something that someone was sharing was uplifting or helpful, I'd listen earnestly. But when people started sharing opinions that I was opposed to or if they wanted to share with me their scary stories, I learned to kindly stop them. I'd thank them for trying to share something that was important to them, and then I'd add that if it wasn't something positive, that I'd prefer if they not share that particular story with me. With certain people, it was a hard thing to do, but it was so much easier than having all kinds of stories floating around in my head while I was just trying to listen to my own voice while making all kinds of decisions.
Also, if you are having a particularly rough day (of hearing input that you don't want), sometimes it helped me on such days to remind myself that there are all kinds of "right" ways of doing things, that I know my own body, and that other people's stories are just that.
Good luck!
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