I keep struggling with this post since, now I've written it, it doesn't seem to be bugging me so much anymore. I think out loud/in words, so to write it out is to say things I didn't even know I was thinking sometimes. But I still want to share it, because it seems to be a common thread for most pregnant women I've talked to.
Pregnant = advice.
I'm all for great advice. Problem is, I'm not sure if it's going to be great advice until it's already said. Obviously we all need to hear different things. Some people tell me stories and discoveries and it unlocks something inside of me, bolsters me up, clarifies my uncertainty. And others, well...it's hard to stop them sometimes. Those resolute convictions given with an earnest lock of the eyes ~ the sense that they think I'm about to make some terrible mistakes, and I must be saved from my ignorance. The disturbing or scary stories shared with such macabre relish. The drama gotten off of heaving chests about potential hazards. The dangers the baby will be in which I must not have realized. Plain as day, the fear is palpable and the thought tendril reaches out to me from them ~ You don't know what you're doing and you are not to be trusted.
It's hard not to internalize those mantras. To be needled by them. I feel like a snail wanting to tuck back into its shell. I am not blindly confident and I have a healthy knowledge that the future is not yet written. It makes me want to lash out and defend myself ~ to come up with brilliant repartee so they fully comprehend the amount of work, research and effort I've put into every aspect of this pregnancy. That I've read the reports, studies and statistics: have they? That the bottom line is, this is what I'm doing ~ like it or lump it. Back off. Hold your tongue. It's not up for discussion. I am not on trial.
I'd love to feel the space generously held for me and not filled. Just held with lots of room for me to be me, for the baby to be himself, for events to happen in the way they will for me. Without those fear-based assumptions and projections which are so hard to let go of. I'm not a great letter-goer. My mind soaks up details like fresh clay, the imprints of words left long after their sting is gone. One of the things I've kind of enjoyed about this big shift in my life is needing to reinforce my boundaries. What I'm comfortable and uncomfortable with. Speaking up firmly on the spur of the moment. Choosing to steer clear of the small clouded fraction and gravitate to the overwhelming wonderfulness that is to be found in the circle of humanity surrounding me. Letting go of my tendency to stop and stare when I sense something disturbing coming my way, and giving it less attention if it makes an unexpected arrival.
How do you deal with the naysayers?