Wednesday, November 14

the two sides

double exposed film, Holga camera

I wish Cedar would sleep more than a 30-minute nap at a time, and more than his traditional 3-hour stints at night. I'm ready to sleep more. Sleep deprivation does nasty things to the mind. So does insomnia. Nights are awful still most of the time. And he has no clue how hard that is for me ~ he just keeps being a sweet little soft baby in his own little world. He wakes up with a smile after the most-awake of nights.

Tim watched him all night two nights ago, and I slept in the guest room. He came and got me to nurse once. I slept well, even reading a bit before turning out the light, and awoke refreshed for the first time in months. We've tried this once or twice before but my insomnia kept me tossing and full of adrenaline. I feel 'on' all the time, on high alert. But I felt so happy yesterday, carefree even, and laughed at so much all afternoon.

I've also been getting help with severe post-partum depression which with my history of depression didn't really surprise me. What surprised me was not really feeling 'depressed.' Just moody, changeable, and like the world was black-and-white instead of color. A lackluster interest in things that usually did me good. Having really 'off' days. And feeling like I am doing something wrong. Like if I had it figured out right I would be on top of things; that I could've prevented these issues. It felt somewhat like an admission of failure to get help, as silly as that sounds. It still feels like day-to-day survival, better in many ways than it was in the beginning, but still survival.

I want to enjoy this time, not just endure it.


So I wrote that and sat on it for a few days not sure if I wanted to share it, since it's kind of raw and rough. But it's part of the mercurial thoughts of motherhood ~ my type of motherhood, these days.

And then Tim watched Cedar all afternoon yesterday and I put on an old favorite movie and cleaned and dusted and tidied and re-arranged and hung things to my deepest heart's content. Which I've been out of touch with lately. For some reason my mothering still feels tense to me, on edge, so very present and almost without roots, or perhaps so deeply rooted I don't have an objective view on it.

And he watched Cedar all night ~ and Cedar slept 8 hours without waking. And I slept 9 total, just waking up once towards morning light to nurse. And I went to the movies this afternoon while Tim watched him again. I sat in the theater by myself and plugged my ears with my fingers (I forgot my earplugs) and watched the latest Bond flick. I went into the photobooth five times. (It's been a while). And I drove home missing my babe so much and scooped him up the moment I got home and kissed his little round warm apple cheek with a huge smile.

That's the two sides to the coin of this life nowadays.

xo Brooke