Tuesday, January 8



Cedar fell off the bed this morning. I had stepped into the bathroom for a moment to rinse out his washcloth (he doesn't get bathed much but does get his face and hands wiped morning and evening), heard the crinkling of the bag in the trashcan which he must have reached out for, and whump. He was down, surprised and laying on his back. I guess I've been tempting fate by not putting up the side rails when he's on our bed. He didn't seem very fazed, just surprised. It's almost a relief that it happened ~ and he's okay ~ and we can move on and from now on I'll put up the side rails.

I feel like I keep writing and thinking the same old things ~ the house is always a half-mess, the laundry always waiting (I like doing laundry), meals to be made and then eaten, errands to be run if I can jump the hurdle I shy from of getting everything together to get out. It's on one hand a very satisfying life and on the other hand very different than what I used to do, obviously, but then again almost a streamlined, concentrated life along the same lines as I was used to as well. I have free time ~ what do I make of it? It's like turning pages in a picture book and I'm right there on each one, fully there as it's happening. My vision has narrowed and has also become clearer. Life is rich and good.

Yup, I'm still me. The post-partum depression seems unfathomable. I'm so glad it's over. The love I feel for this little guy is so warm and has a undercurrent of calm to it that was completely lacking in the deep anxiety of the first 4 months. I kept pushing through hoping it would all go away if I tried harder. It was awful. I can see why so much PPD goes untreated. It seemed like such a great effort to do anything about it. And like maybe it was just me anyways, not figuring this motherhood thing out.


And now it's gone. Whew. And it wasn't my fault after all. I'm figuring things out and enjoying this little squashy fella so much. Millions of mothers have gone before but this experience is as fresh as the dawn for me. I love that about the big milestones in life.